You Could Say I’ve Been Through A Lot In My Lifetime
That statement certainly felt true to me for a very long time. In fact for over 30 years, I played the blame game. It was a game I couldn’t win but I had identified so strongly with my story that I didn’t know how else to be.
Don’t get me wrong. My experiences were very real and they left deep wounds that seemed impossible to heal.
For many years I held on to my story. You could say I had good reason to.
But there came a point when I grew tired of repeating painful patterns. I got tired of losing over and over again.
On a desperate day I took a good hard look in the mirror and asked myself a very difficult question;
“What’s the common denominator in all these experiences?”
The answer was difficult to accept but it was a truth that changed my life forever.
The common denominator was me.
Yes, stuff happened to me when I was too young to do anything about it.
Yes, those experienced shaped me into who I had become.
And although the experiences I created as an adult were driven by the patterns of the past, I could either keep going round and round in circles creating one painful experience after another while blaming others for my reality or …
I could take ownership of my life and learn how to create something different
I’d been hiding behind the story I’d been telling myself
A story that was keeping me stuck. A story that was killing me …
A story that included:
Being raised by a single parent
15 formative years in a strict religious church
Teenage pregnancy and marriage
Depression and debilitating anxiety
It’s a true story and my earliest experiences taught me a lot.
I learned I was unloveable, invisible and that I had no value
I learned people were cruel, untrustworthy, and that even when I tried my best, it wasn’t enough.
I learned I deserved to be punished
I learned I was ugly, stupid, unacceptable, a nuisance, an embarrassment, a freak, a weirdo, somebody no-one could like.
As a result I expected to be rejected. I expected to be punished. I expected to be hurt.
Life taught me I had no power, that it wasn’t safe to be me and that I needed to protect myself at all costs.
The lessons I had learned early in life had created expectations that were showing up in my attitude, responses, behavior and choices and ultimately creating my reality